Revelations and Decisions

As many of you know, I went to the mountains to both escape the city and to try to find some insight into what the future holds for me. I had ample time to think and was able to focus on what is important to me. Throughout this crazy journey of almost three years, the two constants have been utter honesty with myself and the pursuit of happiness. I am determined not to waver in this regard.

I really don’t know how to write this post. Over the past three weeks I mulled over at least a dozen different issues, all of which will impact my future in Nepal. While distinct, they all intertwine and impact each other, and it is their combined effect which will ultimately guide me towards my future. My “tidy mind” wants to write this post like a management report, complete with table of contents and flow charts. I will resist that urge and try to humanise it a bit more, but I worry that the thoughts will meander and trip over themselves. My hope is that you, my family and friends, will read it and understand my issues. Even more, I hope that in committing it to paper, I can find clarity and comfort in my decision.

As I’ve made clear in previous posts, I am re-evaluating my “career path” in Nepal. I was incredibly frustrated working at the college and really felt like I could work there forever and never affect any change at all. The management team appears on the surface to be receptive to suggestions for procedural improvements but they don’t seem to want to actually do anything, especially if it requires work. They may see the benefit in doing something a different way, but if it’s not the Nepali way, they aren’t interested in making the change. I truly felt like I was spending my days banging my head against a wall.

There is a similar situation among the students although it stems from a different foundation. Some of the students seem genuinely motivated to change but they are simply not equipped to initiate that change. School children here are taught entirely by rote and never, over the course of their academic careers, learn to think creatively or problem-solve. As a consequence, we have twenty-year-old students at the college who are less capable than eight-year-olds in Canada. Trying to teach them very basic things at this age is virtually useless: the habits are so ingrained that they are almost impossible to reverse. This is perhaps best exemplified by my former boss, Khem, the CEO of the college. Born, raised and educated in Nepal, he went to college in Switzerland and subsequently worked in Canada, Dubai and Japan. He was out of Nepal working and studying in developed countries for 10 years, but once back in his home country he has reverted back to his Nepalese ways. It’s like the intervening 10 years had no impact whatsoever.

Seeing this in Khem has raised concerns for me about bringing these students to Canada for their internships, which is a large part of my job requirement. When I first met them, I was impressed by their eagerness to work abroad and excited about helping them to develop their skills in the international arena. However, after spending some time with them, I truly wonder what positive traits they will bring with them. They are tardy, unfocussed and less than committed. Cheating on tests is the norm, and they were dismayed to learn that they had to pass all their courses to earn their diploma. They inevitably look for the easy way out and need to be supervised continually if their work is to be completed effectively. As a Canadian, I am not convinced that I want them in my country, especially with the likelihood that they will apply for permanent residency status. Even if they did return to Nepal following their internship, I’m not sure that a one-year work term abroad will provide any advantage for their careers. Can a strong work ethic and good work habits be established at this point in their lives? From what I’ve witnessed with Khem, I’m really not convinced.

When I first arrived here, Deborah shared with me her attitude towards aid workers in the Nepal. She was repelled by their “us versus them” attitude, and after meeting several of them I felt much the same way. But as my work environment became more and more frustrating for me, I found myself, unconsciously at first, adopting the same attitude. I was using the word “them” more and more often and in more and more disparaging tones. Once this found its way into my consciousness, I was forced to rethink my initial position on the aid workers. They have spent their entire careers working under these conditions and I could only imagine the frustrations they had experienced. The truth of the matter is that cultural differences exist and there is a very wide gulf between the working habits in the developed and developing countries. In spite of that, it was still very disheartening for me to find myself a card-carrying member of the “us versus them” team. Even more heartbreaking is the realisation that all my work, and that of aid community, may well be in vain. Several years ago I applied to do a masters degree in International Development, thinking that it would be a career that I would enjoy and which would fulfill me. I am now exceedingly relieved that I was never accepted to pursue those studies, and that I didn’t invest vast amounts of time, money and energy into another career that would leave me frustrated and unhappy.

I have a theory that too much foreign aid is flowing into this country. Time and again I have encountered situations where capable Nepalis have rejected work in favour of allowing a Westerner to step in and do it for them. I believe that such a beautiful and vibrant society could not have survived for hundreds of years without industriousness, creativity and intelligence. In recent years, these seem to have been replaced with laziness, corruption and a dismaying unwillingness to change and grow. One has to wonder if this society, over several generations of receiving handout after handout, has had the initiative driven out of it. Why would someone till the soil, plant the seeds and tend the fields when a Westerner is just going to drop in and hand them a bag of rice? One notable exception to this trend lies with the porters and guides who work like slaves to support the climbing and trekking communities in the mountains. Because my initial encounters with the Nepalese work force were largely experienced in this area, I made the erroneous assumption that it was indicative of the Nepalese people as a whole.

How do we correct this destructive system? Without aid they will certainly continue to flounder and die as a society. With aid, they stop helping themselves. It is my belief that the education system and the corruption in government are the two major culprits for this plight and that reform in these areas is the only solution. I believe that the entire education system needs to be redesigned so that young minds are exercised and encouraged to blossom. To the best of my knowledge, nothing like this has been attempted, and I’m not sure how it could be, as it would involve the government as well as each school and educator. I am certainly aware of foreign teachers making sizeable contributions in schools and of some institutions promoting creativity in the classroom, but these represent very small pockets of the education system. As long as the standardised SLC exams are the tests by which all students are measured and as long as these exams test nothing but the memorised facts, true change cannot be achieved in this area.

Likewise, government corruption is endemic and devastating. Virtually no business gets conducted without a government kickback. Not only has this corruption stunted so much growth in this country, it also fosters the attitude among citizens that this is the only way to get things done. Cheating in the classrooms is rampant and people assume that anything can be bought regardless of legalities or technicalities. In the case of my own work visa, my lawyer was advising me on how to skirt the law to make it happen. It is justified with the mantra “everyone does it”. All of these behaviours are learned from the government role models and now are as much a part of Nepalese life as dal bhat. Each new government, elected or otherwise, believes it is their right to get rich off baksheesh (bribes) while in office.

I indulge in these digressions only to exemplify my sense of helplessness here. I came to this country with great hopes to affect some kind of change, even on a very small scale. I have come to realise that I have no more influence on the management of the college as I do on corruption in government or the education that the students receive here.

When I went up to the mountains, I did so in an effort to leave politics, education systems, pollution, work and all other stressors behind me. I wanted to be among the majesty of the mountains, and more importantly among the warmth of the Sherpas. As soon as I stepped off the plane in Lukla, it felt wonderful to be in the fresh air. It was a perfect day and just being dwarfed by the snow-capped mountains was exhilarating. It only took me a day or two to realise that the Nepal I loved was in the mountains and that living in Kathmandu could never bring me the happiness that I felt out there.

Unfortunately, over the next three weeks, the Khumbu showed a side of itself I had never seen before. It would appear that the nastier side of tourism is taking its toll, even in this remote part of the world. The fact that I was travelling alone made me a pariah in the eyes of the locals. While I paid full price for a room, I was only buying one meal and was therefore a liability to them. I was frequently denied rooms in the lodges and if I was offered a room at all, it was the worst room available with no view or amenities. Whenever I ordered food I had to go chase down the lodge owner and practically beg to place an order. I was lucky to get my food after everyone else was served, if at all. I received similarly shoddy treatment by the airline when it came time for me to leave the area. Commercialism and the quest for the almighty rupee have undeniably replaced hospitality in the Khumbu.

All of this has been heartbreaking and I am feeling like I’m in a country I don’t recognize. Out in the mountains I have always found compassion, generosity and warmth. On this trip, from beginning to end, I was ostracised by the Sherpas. Only the monks showed me the acceptance that I have always associated with this part of the world.

One of the main things that drew me back to Nepal is the spirituality I’ve always felt here. In the Buddhist regions of the mountains, there is a special energy and a wonderful sense of serenity and peace. I believed that if I lived here I would be permanently immersed in the feeling of well-being I experienced in that environment. Unfortunately, Kathmandu is primarily Hindu and it takes considerable effort to find the pockets in the city where the Buddhist presence is strong enough to be palpable. I certainly felt some of the old magic in the monasteries and remote areas of the Khumbu, but it is not possible for me to make a life for myself up there.

I guess by now it’s no surprise to any of you that I have decided to come back to Canada. Nepal has not given me what I want or what I expected from it when I came here. I guess it’s true that living and working in a place is different than visiting as a tourist, but my experiences in the mountains tells me that Nepal has changed too. I guess we’re just not the perfect match that I once thought we were.

I figure that if I’m going to be frustrated at work and live a spiritually bankrupt life, I might as well come back to Canada where I can take regular hot showers, turn on a light at any hour of the day and earn a decent wage. I have to admit to some disappointment that I am staring down my 47th birthday with absolutely no sense of where my life is heading. I find some small consolation in knowing that I am taking an active role in the search, and that the last few years have helped me eliminate some unsuitable options. I have to believe that each false start teaches me something about myself and will ultimately lead in the right direction. I guess I’ll just keep looking.

I expect to be home in mid-May.